Invisible

Invisible pain

Invisivle tears

Invisible illness

Reaching for an embrace

Grasping for relief

Invisible pain

Invisible home 

Invisible immagrant

Yearning for stability

Searching for belonging

Invisible pain

Invisible grief

Invisible goodbyes

Desiring companions

Longing for a friend

I debated whether or not to write this post. Even though everything I say in this post is true, I don’t like to draw attention to it. I don't like to complain, especially since many people in my life have health issues more severe than mine. 

I have struggled with chronic abdominal pain for over five years now. What started as sudden and sparatic adbominal migranes when I was nine, turned into nausea and abdominal pain throughout my day, everyday. There are few days when I do not deal abdominal pain. Many doctors appointments and medicines have lead to no solutions and only short-lived relief, if any. Unforunately, some of these medications had unpleasant side effects including the inability to focus, depression, and weight gain. Dealing with the side effects of medications are almost as hard as dealing with the actual pain. I have become aware that medications are not something to take lightly and it takes time to adjust to new medications. 

Some who have known me for many years many think to themselves "Grace doesn't struggle with a chronic illness; the doctors said there was nothing wrong with her". While it's true that I have not received a diagnosis, by definition "chronic" refers to a condition that has persisted for at least one year and, amongst other things, limits daily activity. So according to that definition, yes, I do struggle with a chronic illness. Another way of naming my health struggles is invisible illness. This means exactly what it sounds like - an illness that is invisible at least outwardly. By looking at me, you would think I was completely healthy and living my best life. That is what makes invisible illnesses so isolating. No one can see that you are struggling based on your appearance, and you may be called selfish or be accused of complaining if you draw attention to your health condition, so you put a smile on your face and pretend everything is fine even though you live your life in pain. 

Over the years, dealing with chronic pain has taught me six things: 

1. You will have good days and bad days; give yourself grace. 

The important thing here is this: don't get discouraged because you had another bad day. I go through seasons where I will have several bad days, even a couple weeks of bad days, and then I will have a few good ones. Endure through the bad days and enjoy the good days. 

2. Self care is essential and important. 

I cannot stress this enough! Self care is so important. It's what keeps me going; it allows my body to rest, especially after a few of those bad days I mentioned above. Self care, for me, looks different depending on where I am and how much time I have. Reading, blogging, a hot bath, essential oils, getting a massage, coloring or drawing, listening to music all allow my body to relax and rest. It's important to understand that self care is not selfish. Your body needs rest, and there is no shame in that. 

3. Don't compare you journey to someone else's. Your pain is valid. 

I think we all have more than one person in our lives who struggles with a chronic illness of some kind. I know I do. And compaired to some of those people in my life, my pain is relatively managable. I struggled for many years compairing my pain and health status to those around me. I haven't had surgery because of the health issues I deal with. I can still work and go to school. I am not in bed all day. I used to ask whether my pain was real or it was just in my head. I felt bad for having doctor's appointments that did not lead to any results. It took me five years to learn the simple truth that not everyone's journey is the same. We all deal with different struggles along that journey. Just because my journey is different than someone else's doesn't make it more or less important. The truth is that I do deal with pain and nausea throughout my day, every day. Even though I still walk around the village every day and go to youth group and visit friends, doesn't mean my pain can be ignored. My pain is still valid and real. However, I am blessed to be able to do so much despite the pain and nausea. 

4.You are worthy of help; it's not selfish. 

I hinted above that I felt bad for requiring medical help, especially if it didn't lead to any answers. I used to apologize after doctor's appointments in which I was told everything was "normal". I felt bad for wasting my parents money on medical bills that weren't helping. Oh the lies I believed! Lies that said I wasn't worthy of help, I was an incovience, no one understood me, there was no hope of me getting well. I didn't even realize I was believing these lies until a friend spoke a simple truth into my situation. 

One night I was hanging out with friends and I was in so much pain that the adult in the group asked if I needed to go to the hospital. All the lies rang through my head as I thought about how to respond. A few minutes later, my friend said something I would remember forever. "Grace, you are worthy of help." Such a simple sentence made the lies in my head go silent. It took a couple months for the lies to fully die as I reminded myself of this truth daily. 

It is not selfish to need help. You are not complaining. You are not pretending to have pain just to get attention. It is ok - and healthy - to say "no" to somethings. 

5. It's not your identity. Pain is simply something I struggle with.

I really struggled with this one for a long time. How could I acknowledge my daily pain, but not let it become my identity? I used to be so eager for a diagnosis. But I hadn't realized that I felt this way because I had let the pain and nausea define me. 

The pain I deal with on a regular basis is an effect of a broken world. When I reach Heaven, I will no longer struggle with physical pain and nausea. Therefore, the physical health issues I struggle with are NOT my identity. Who I am will last even after I die and go to Heaven. I am and will always be a Child of God, a Holy One, Loved, Accepted, Secure and Significant. My invisibile illness doesn't determine who I am, God has already done that. 

6. If God doesn't heal me, is He still good? 

If God doesn't heal me, does He still love me?

If God doesn't heal me, will He give me the strength to live every day?

If God doesn't heal me, will I still praise Him?

I used to believe that the only way to get better was by the hands of a doctor. I'm starting to wonder a medical answer is not the solution. I do believe God can heal me. But what if He chooses not to? 

My answer to these questions depends on the way I view the situation. I have a desire to go on the mission field after college, but always wondered how that could happen if I deal with pain on a daily basis. How could God give me a passion for ministry, yet limit me through my physical health? If I view the pain i struggle with as a limitation, something that needs to be fixed before I can achieve my goals or be used by God, then my answer would be no. No, God is not good, He didn't heal me. If He didn't heal me, He must not love me. How can I praise a God who is unloving? 

However, if I choose to view the pain in the same way the Paul did in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, believing that's God grace is sufficient for me, then my answer would be yes. Yes, God is good. In fact, His goodness doesn't depend on my physical wellbeing. Yes, God loves me! He loves me so abundantly! If I questioned God's love for me in every hard moment, I would be in a constant state of doudt. Yes, God will give me the strength to live each day. Isaiah 40 says that not only will I walk and not grow weary, but I will soar on wings like an eagle! 

But, will I still I praise Him? I know He's good. I know He loves me. And He will give me strength for every day. But, am I going to continue praising Him even though I am not healed? Do I have a reason not to praise Him? My praise is not based on the circumstances around me. My praise is founded in the truth that God is good, He loves me, and He is worthy of my praise. So, yes, I choose to praise Him through the struggles of life, believing that in my weakness His power is displayed.