I forget the hardship and struggles of life in Uganda when I am removed from it. I remember the food, the friends, the simplicity, to routine, the familiarity of life in Uganda - the "at home" feeling.
Growing up coming back to MI on furlough, I developed the mindset that everything in America is temporary. We always went back to Uganda. Uganda was the destination, Uganda was what we returned to, Uganda was home. Since moving to college, I feel this pressure that my life in Uganda is over. Uganda is in the past. Uganda is no longer the place you return to. There is a pressure that Uganda is no longer home. I almost feel kicked out - forced to leave my home because I am 18 and expected to go to college. But the mindset that America is temporary has not changed. So, if America is temporary but Uganda is no longer my destination, my home, then what is?
Most of you have not been forced to leave your home. I grew up with this unspoken expectation that I would leave Uganda because I'm "not from there". But once I leave, society makes it almost impossible for me to return.
Being American has always created a barrier, separating me from Uganda. And yet, coming back to America, living in Uganda made me too different - people treated me as a foreigner coming from some distant world that they couldn't comprehend. Many people didn't even try to reach me or step into my world. And the people that dared to - those friendships were short lived, adding to the idea that America is temporary. I never reached out, because I knew I would always leave.
America has become a place in my mind that is hostile, cold, exhausting, and temporary. "You have to be like this, or you're too different and you don't belong". And yet here I am! Living on a college campus feeling like I'm inside a dream. I feel so unknown, so alone. I have neighbors and classmates, but they don't know me. My appearance hides who I am.
I have new friends here, both international friends and American; friendships that I prayed for. However, I reach a point in every new friendship where I pull back. My mind screams, reminding me that everything in America is temporary. How can I build friendships that are honest and meaningful without getting hurt again? How do I build relationships when I'm scared that I'll leave, and things will fall apart again? How do I build community when, in my head, this is temporary and will lead to just another goodbye? How do I be present here while holding on to my friendships in Uganda that I feel pressured to let go of because that life is in that past?
I cried while writing this post. I never anticipated how hard, how painful, it would be to process 18 years as a missionary kid. Memories come up throughout the day. Things I believed suddenly connect with a moment, something I experienced as a kid. As I learn about the psychology of teaching, I realize that during my social development - during which a child learns cultural expectations - I received mixed messages. I learned both Ugandan and American social ques and yet neither at the same time.
Right now, my mind is confused - always thinking, always processing. I get tired of how complicated my life is, how complicated I am. How do I let go of the painful experiences of the past without ignoring them completely? How do I hold on to the good memories and be present where I am?
There is freedom in living with a "both, and" mindset. Growing up as a missionary kid was both amazing and hard. Processing through 18 years of memories in Uganda is both healthy and painful. Embracing where I am now is both exciting and intimidating.
When two worlds collide, it makes a mess - a beautiful, unique mess.
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing your heart ❤️
ReplyDeleteI love how you are so completely honest about your feelings. Most of us have no understanding of what adjustments you have had to make over the years. We know that God walks beside you and he will wrap his loving arms around you! God bless you, sweet Grace!
ReplyDeleteBy writing and sharing, you let us in to "Grace - fully - broken" yet "gracefully broken". Gracefully you have lived your life, all the hard good byes, hardships and crushing reality of a 3rd world country. You accepted and embraced it all with grace even tho it was sometimes hard and difficult for a young mind to comprehend or emotionally carry. Grace, you are a precious broken vessel and as Patsy Clairmont use to say a "cracked pot". It's only through that small crack and sometimes big ones that light can come in. You are processing and embracing the light of the Father. Thank you for sharing, it's a healthy way to heal what hurts. Remember you are not the only "cracked pot" we ALL are cracked in someway. Every clay pot is differant so the cracks form differently but believe me even tho people cover them or temporarily glue them they are there. I so respect you! Your honesty and vulnerability, your willingness to share shows your spiritual and emotional maturity. It also let's us cry for you and pray for you. You are Gods cracked vessel and He will use you mightily where ever you are.
ReplyDeleteThank you for teaching us. You express using words that help us understand how you feel inside. May God use all you're learning to help others. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI praise God for your faith in Him through storms! I praise God that you're holding on to Him as He's holding on to you! That makes me glad!🙏
ReplyDeleteI love you, Grace and I love your openness 🥰
Miss Cindy